Don't Ask Me Anything
I'm over sharing
A few years ago, before the babies, I did an AMA on instagram. AMA is a content creator phrase for Ask Me Anything and it’s all the rage on socials. Ask me whatever you want! I’ll tell you everything! No stone unturned! I jumped on the trend.
I expected an enthused audience giddy with delight that they had a direct line to me. A glimpse into my intimate world. A peep behind the velvet curtain. A chance to get up close and personal. What I hadn’t expected was that they would in fact, ask me anything.
It began all very amicably, ‘where is your dress from? what mascara do you use? if you could go on holiday anywhere where would you go?’ then dipped into dull, ‘what’s your favourite colour?’ (a genuine submission) but then it got personal, ‘are you going to have kids? when are you going to have a baby? how old are you, are you worried about not having children yet?’ Suddenly I felt attacked. My shutters flew down. Even though I had opened the metaphorical door and invited everyone in, it felt like they were opening my drawers and cupboards to see what they could find.
I have always considered myself to be an open book. I’ll tell you anything. I’ll show you anything. I once did instagram stories live from my smear test. I have no problem running out to the bins in my nighty. Yesterday I grabbed some knickers off the line outside and I was in the nip. I’m not prudish or shy, this is a naked household. I do not care.
But I’m a chronic over sharer and here’s where we run into problems. I will share with you my deepest inner monologue. I’ll tell you how savage my inner critic is. I’ll tell you all about my internalised fat phobia and how I shame my body daily. I’ll happily divulge details of how unworthy I find myself to be, the battles in my mind of being a terrible human/ wife/ mother/ friend. I’ll give you all of it. Every last crumb. Because if it helps you to see that you’re not alone, that it isn’t just you who feels this way then my work is done, I can sleep well tonight. But what I’ll also do is fill a silence.
A few years ago I was at a female speaking event. The host was trying to get everyone to ‘open up.’ Not a problem for me! What do you want to know?! But it wasn’t particularly well done. You have to have a very deft touch to ask a group of strangers in a bar on a Thursday night to share their inner most secrets. The host shared she was on a journey of IVF and wanted desperately to get pregnant. It was a generous and vulnerable thing to share but then she asked all of us to turn to the person next to us and share something similarly deep.
I turned to the woman next to me and asked if I should go first. She looked relieved. I launched in. I told her how I was just so angry all the time. I felt irritable and sad most days. She stared at me. I filled the silence. I told her that I wondered if it was a problem with me, that I didn’t see myself as an angry person but I felt like an angry person. She nodded politely. I went on.
I suddenly realised I was telling someone something they didn’t really want or need to hear. And something I didn’t really want or need to say to someone I’d just met. I wrapped up, asked her what she wanted to share, “erm, I can’t really think of anything.” Very smart. The host announced that was enough time. I turned and faced the front, mortified I’d shared so much. The vulnerability hangover clung to me and I spent the rest of the evening wondering what the hell this woman must have thought.
I now realise two things happened. One, I didn’t want to let the host down. The host! Who’d clumsily thrown me and this poor woman into this situation. I was worried what the host would think if I didn’t do it. Must be a good girl, must do as I’m told. Two, I thought it was good to share. Good to open up, get it off my chest. Which of course it can be but there needs to be boundaries. It has to be the right time and place and an event where you’re hoping to gather a few speaking tips is not the one.
In April I had my birth chart read by Lou of Cosmic Kinship. She’s a phenomenal astrologer and if you have ever been intrigued about your own astrology and what it all means I cannot recommend her enough. We spoke for over 90 minutes and could have spoken for at least a further three hours. She’s sent me the notes afterwards and every line feels like a truth bomb which makes something else make sense.
Your birth chart is a snapshot of exactly what was happening in the sky when you were born. Where all the planets were and what houses and signs they were in. Across the middle is the horizon which perfectly divides the chart into an upper half, day time, and a lower half, night time.
One of the main things which I have come back to again and again since we spoke is how most of the activity on my chart is below the horizon. Me, the open book, the one who would show and tell you everything, actually doesn’t want to. There were a few key pieces above the horizon, out in the sun for all to see. Lou interpreted these as things I was happy to share and they could be really intimate, really vulnerable, almost tender. Like telling you I hate myself for eating a Twix or how jealous I am of other people’s curated homes or how I cried for two days after my one woman show. I have no problem sharing those things, I’ll tell you all about it.
But everything else is below the horizon. In the dark, hidden and private, just how I like it. I don’t want to talk about sex, my marriage or what I feed my children. I don’t want to share pictures of my holidays or talk about my finances. I don’t really want to talk too much about where I live or show photos of my bedroom. But I will share how it feels to have all three babies in childcare or forgetting my friend’s 40th or how I feel like I’m failing at motherhood and my career.
Knowing this has changed everything. I don’t have to talk about things I’m not comfortable sharing. I don’t have to tell everyone everything. I don’t have to give it all away, just what I want to. And I don’t have to do an AMA ever again.
Tickets for my new show, Well Well Well 2 are on sale now.